


Gun

by lobsteredsleep



Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Multi, Slight Crack Fic because this isn't very serious, Slow Burn, give me my dog back you stupid fuck, insulting use of cooking utensils
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 03:20:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20128510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobsteredsleep/pseuds/lobsteredsleep
Summary: This is a stupid fic about characters me and my buddy made, and this is also co-written by her. This isn't meant to be good at all, just kinda wanted to write their story out. Epic gaming moment.





	Gun

**Author's Note:**

> fellas. its the year 2019, and im writing far cry fanfic. but jokes on you, you're reading it. harlan is also trans. everyone is trans. trans rights

Harlan sat in the back of the truck, rifle in hand and keeping a look out for peggies. Sun hitting his eyes, he started regretting introducing this deputy girl to his buddy, Sharky, because he now had to take the backseat, or in this case, the truck bed. It was uncomfortable and he was probably slowly frying in the Montana sun as of now. He could have cracked a funny cannibal joke about that, being in the Whitetail Mountains and all. 

“Turn that peggie shit down, will you?”

“I will not,” Missy responded, not turning that peggie shit down. 

Though Missy clearly seemed to maintain some reservations about communicating in general with anyone, it was surprising how genuinely endeared she was by both Sharky and Harlan, but to Harlan, it was clear that her endearment with Sharky was headed in a very different direction. This was measured accordingly to the constant seating arrangement everytime Missy had managed to bolt to the car early enough and grab the wheel.

“I’ll have you know, this shit slaps. At least, way harder than the shit you blast, Sharky.” The way she said his name was full of malice, although in the kindest way she could muster. At this point, although she’d had her eyes set on the road and her hands firmly on the wheel, the car had already begun swerving into a sign. As she veered the steering wheel back on course, muttering “Shit.” under her breath, she prayed that neither Sharky nor especially Harlan had noticed. Her efforts were fruitless however, as he did.

“Okay Missy, I think it’s time we swap seats, just please let me drive?”

Missy complied immediately, a sigh of relief escaping her as she came to a stop as Harlan had already started climbing through the back window and into the driver’s seat. She muttered something about at least letting her get out first – which he actually didn’t quite catch, busy not letting her get out – and pushed her out of the spot with a shove of his hips. 

Neither of the former law enforcers had been particularly good at driving, and there was really just a thin sliver separating their skill level. The difference was that Harlan enjoyed it far more, and was willing to take off road paths and run into easily destructible objects to get to their destination. He turned that peggie shit up. 

The Judge in the back of their truck was blissfully quiet, licking his amateurly bandaged wound. The trio was just on their way to bring him back home after having him found injured, and both Harlan and Missy kept the radio purposefully on the cult station to see if Jacob would notice in time. He had a tendency to passive aggressively notify them of their mistakes.

Though Missy was left disgruntled at Harlan’s generally shitty attitude, the scowl that appeared to always be plastered upon her face immediately disappeared at the sight of the still fairly feral wild animal that they really should not be trusting enough to have loose in the back of a truck bed with one of the few people he was trained specifically to kill. Oh well. What can you do!

Missy greeted the mutt by almost diving onto him, wrapping her arms around him, peppering him with profuse kisses on his dirty matted fur. 

“Sweet boy, I missed you, hello sweet boy! Yes, yes I know, it’s me!” She may have been speaking as if the wolf had seemed over the moon at her arrival, yet he seemed eager only to escape her overwhelming embrace. 

“Missy, I trust you’re not smothering our new boy to death?” Harlan questioned, half joking, half out of genuine concern. “That’d be a real fucking shame…” He followed up in a mutter.

“What?! How dare you… I would never! Would I, sweet boy?! Yes I know I wouldn’t! You love me, don’t you!”

The wolf whined. There was one reason he tolerated these people and that reason was food. It turned out, surprisingly, that a hungry puppy isn’t a very loyal puppy. And all you really had to do to get a fearsome judge to accept you was to feed it. Something Jacob may have overlooked through his Darwin-tinted glasses. Missy didn’t blame him. Can’t expect a dude with a clean shaven undercut to have brain cells. 

“Have you tried toning your shit down? A little bit? A tiny bit? Just a bit?” Harlan asked as he took a sharp left into the forest, Sharky holding onto the door handle halfheartedly, as he was quite used to this by now. “Can we get some McDonalds?” A small tree was violently evicted from its dirt home as Sharky asked that, Harlan shaking his head.

“We have food at home,” He swerved to avoid some small animal, Missy holding on for dear life in the back as to not fall straight out of the vehicle and die from something as stupid as a bump in the not-road. “There might be other obvious reasons that I care not to explain.” 

By the time this entire conversation died down, (as if it were a conversation anyway over the inexplicably ear piercing, overlapping sounds of tree after tree being ploughed down with the sheer force of Harlan and his desire to get home and have a nap,) they had driven into a more familiar part of the area. There were several paths already laid with run down trees from previous expeditions by both Harlan and Missy, however following one of those would just be no fun, would it. 

Eventually, the truck reached the ‘driveway’ of their ‘house’. Driveway, being a huge field in which both of the ex police deputies had parked their multiple stolen vehicles of the past, in various conditions ranging from almost-driveable to being indistinguishable from the ever-growing pile of sheet metal that Missy had been hoarding, “just in case” of an emergency. Their house, on the next note, being a structure that maybe you could’ve once called a house. It was a building, surely, but questionably at that. There was clearly an attempt at making it livable, on Harlan’s part, decorating the surroundings with flowers and sweet signs, and filling in the holes in the wall in what he assumed was something close enough to actual plaster that it should probably be okay until it rains. 

“Missy, you really should do something with all those gas tanks around all the shitty cars, one day you truly will just fucking be the cause of our ever tempted demises.” Harlan spoke as he stepped out of the car and approached the house, not even gracing Missy with a glance as she wrestled with the now, clearly irritated and hungry dog in order to coax him inside. 

“You think I don’t want those things to blow up and immediately kill us?” Missy asked, pausing for a few seconds between words occasionally as she tried to keep the judge from biting her arm off. He was clearly irritated and his bites were just empty threats, yet they did a good job scaring Missy. Harlan held the door open. 

“I think you don’t want them to blow off a single one of your body parts, resulting in you slowly bleeding out over the course of several minutes.” 

“Fair,” Missy maneuvered the wolf and herself into their home. She heard the door shut behind her, and a beer bottle hissing as it opened in the kitchen. Fucking Sharky. No drinking in front of the children! Meaning their new puppy dog, and also herself. Almost knocking her over entirely, the judge finally escaped her grip when Harlan presented it with a good portion of dog food that they had ready at any given moment for Boomer, in case he visited. 

Upon entrance to their home, one would typically be greeted with what appeared to be an attempt of a living room. Sure, it had all the essentials; a sofa, a couple chairs, a stack of magazines and books at different levels to somewhat resemble a stable surface, and a dog-like animal. But not much else that actually belonged in a room of any kind. And this room was now filled with the sound of animalistic munching and crunching. 

“Hey, Sharky, can you turn up the peggie station?” Harlan asked as he threw his jacket on the kitchen counter, their old radio spewing static for a second before it started quietly playing choir music. 

Time passed slowly between Sharky and Missy while Harlan tried not to burn their food in the kitchen, which he only barely didn’t fail at. As Missy was poised cautiously on the sofa, shoved into the opposite corner that the dog resided in, Sharky was comfortably sprawled across the rest of it, his legs nonchalantly plopped on Missy’s lap. Though this should feasibly be awkward, it really didn’t seem it. This curious display of almost-affection had been fairly consistent for the past couple of months, in a way that you could maybe pass them being just really close friends, but in a weird way. They truly thought they were inconspicuous, though they also truly thought they were smart. Both were gross misconceptions, very clear to the general public, and especially Harlan, who lived with Missy, and consequently housed Sharky as well, a couple nights a week. It was an apparent endeavour and circumstance that no one cared to bring up due to the inevitably awkward outcome.

After what seemed like far too long for just a simple meal, Harlan announced that their food was ready, and proudly presented the three plates on the magazine-stack-table-thing. “Voila!” His grin was proud, though Sharky and Missy’s faces did not reflect positively.

“Harlan, I… I really don’t think this is edible?” Missy retorted, staring down at her plate of almost charred eggs and toast. “It’s like… Congealed? Harlan, why is it congealed? What did you fuck up so much that the eggs are congealed with some kind of alien-lookin’ substance? How did you manage to burn the eggs, and then congeal them. What kind of-”

“Okay, shit! I get it. Jesus christ, Missy. You have no fucking mercy.” Harlan hissed through his teeth and snatched only her plate away, narrowly avoiding Missy’s impressively dramatic eye-roll. Sharky, however, was left to protest for himself, if he also didn’t want to eat this mess. 

“Well? Charlemagne? You gonna eat Harlan’s delicious creation or not?” Missy gestured back down to his plate, now with a snarky, repressed grin.

“Missy, shut the fuck up and let the man eat. I’m sure he’ll like it, won’t you, Sharky?” 

“Guys for real chill the fuck out. This shit looks… So great! Fuck yeah! Food is, like…. Food! So great. Thank you,” Sharky wasn’t picky by any means, regarding… well, anything. And he appreciated Harlan cooking for him, since no one else ever had. Harlan plopped down on their seating area looking thing, an extra large sigh with a side of sleep escaping him. 

The trio had been out for three straight days. Only one day of clearing Faith’s region had been planned, yet after an unplanned bad trip on the Bliss, they quickly found themselves in the Whitetails. It was an area that they had only narrowly avoided, because even though they mocked and ridiculed Jacob on a daily basis, they had to admit that he knew how to train and indoctrinate. And his peggies were a lot better and more efficient at finding and injuring them. Another positive aspect of the other regions was that they had personal ties to both Faith and John. There was a certain fear they both held for Joseph, which made them easily exploitable on the promise that they’d get rid of him. They’d also both had a thing with John in the past. 

Missy was uneasy with the knowledge that they’d taken Jacob’s property. She had driven past multiple peggies while their new pup was in the back of their truck, and one of them ought to have noticed. She was sure of it. 

“You gotta relax.” Harlan’s voice tore through her worries. “I can hear you overthinking from a mile away.”

“Huh?” Missy jumped slightly, yanked out of her thoughts all too quickly for her to stay with it. “What are you talking about? I’m not… I’m not overthinking at all. What would I even be overthinking about?” Far too defensive for her own good. 

“Missy, holy shit. Just chill the fuck out, alright? Listen, if Jacob really cared about this dog, he would have already taken us out. Please just trust me, we’ll be fine as long as we keep our guard up.”

Sharky chipped in, a mouthful of… whatever his mouth was full of. “Fuck yeah! He’s- shit, hol’ up-“ He finished his mouthful and put his fork down. “Yeah, Harlan’s right, Missy! You gotta mellow out, you know? Seriously just, I don’t know, why don’t you go, like, fuck a Seed sibling and chill down or something?” His grin was snarky and Harlan’s expression was one of grief, but both of them meant what they had said with sincerity. 

“Uh…… Thanks? I guess?” 

“Fuck, Missy. Just take our genuine comfort and run with it for once, you dickshit.” This time it was Harlan’s turn to roll his eyes, and he stood up and whisked Sharky’s surprisingly empty plate away with a light smack of the back of Missy’s head. 

“Ow, what the fuck, shitbag?! You wanna fucking go, pissboy?” 

“Missy, shut up and go fuck a Seed sibling.”

“Says you! We all know you got it on with the creepy ginger one!” As if she didn’t know his name. 

“Oh? You really want to get into this? Do you? Why don’t you go fuck your little pissboy? Huh? That’s right, Sharky. We know you bottle your piss.” 

“Hey, wait, no need to bring me into th-“

“Hold up, are you seriously suggesting? Insinuating? Implying? Inferencing? Hinting towards? Me? And Sharky? You’re? Really doing that?”

“SUGGESTING? Oh I wish it was just a suggestion. You guys think I’m fucking deaf?! We live in the same house, you know! You could at least try t-“ 

The music abruptly stopped and a far louder static noise erupted from the rusted contraption. 

“Hello, deputies.” Jacob’s almost robotic voice rang out through the house. “I’ve noticed you having taken one of my judges.” All the blood immediately drains from Missy’s face in pure terror. She was the least experienced with Jacob’s threats. “And as you could probably have guessed, that wasn’t a bright move on your part. Though, it’s not as if we need him, he will turn on you eventually. Stay guarded if you even hope to survive though, which you won’t. You have simply just invited a predator into whatever you call your home. I hope you act wisely.” The transmission ended with a crackle, and the twangy cult tunes resumed. Harlan looked deep in conflict with himself, Sharky looked confused, and Missy stared into space, paler than ever. 

“He’s like, stupid dumb if he thinks all doggies isn’t the same.” Harlan broke the silence before his buddies could get any ideas. Namely the idea of second guessing themselves. “And if you guys don’t quiet down with the fucking, I’m banning you to the shack.”

“Again?” Sharky complained. 

Harlan gave a less than serious nod. He was sick and tired of these heterosexual shenanigans taking place in his rightfully stolen home. He carefully leaned against the kitchen counter, bruises from earlier encounters with peggies still fresh, and thought for a bit.

It had been a while since Harlan had seen Jacob, or rather heard from him at all. Not since he’d been undercover as a guard up in the mountains. It was kind of insulting that he had avoided contact with him ever since he’d revealed himself to not, in fact, be a cultist who believed in a manbun wearing grease boy to be the voice of God. A stupid mountain boy like Jacob ought to appreciate a horrible feral man like Harlan. 

“Sooo… What are we namin’ the dog?” Sharky asked as he attempted to stop a previously shaken beer can from overflowing as he opened it. 

“Boy.” Missy said immediately, the paleness fading from her face instantly at the prospect of getting to name an animal.

“We call everyone and everything boy, he’ll get confused!” Harlan said immediately, then went back to his deep and intellectual thoughts. “Minecraft?”

“I like Minecraft.” Missy approved with a nod of her head. 

“Minecraft is good.” Sharky added.


End file.
